Let’s eradicate domestic abuse once and for all-part 1 #youarenotalone
October is historically domestic abuse awareness month. Over the next two weeks, I will be doing a series of video blogs and youtube and Facebook videos about domestic abuse.
The deaths of Sarah Everard and Sir David Amess MP have really brought home the issue of security. Now anyone who knows me knows that I am a security freak and I drive people up the wall with my security nature.
As a medical student and junior doctor, I saw a lot of domestic abuse. I am now a personal trainer and I teach self defence. Through all this, I have seen near enough every type of domestic abuse around.
Today in the first video blog I detail the types of domestic abuse. Domestic violence is only part of domestic abuse.
For the first time ever we have a government that is taking this issue seriously and pasted below are my submissions to the government’s inquiry into domestic abuse including violence against women and girls.
The types of domestic abuse.
Online- one partner spreads malicious stuff about the other- there is some overlap with sexual. I never forget a lady very dear to me suffering the humiliation of her brother videoing her in her shower and selling copies of photos and DVDs. However I have seen many examples of revenge porn being spread over the internet. One partner finishes with the other and the aggrieved partner uploads intimate photos over the internet. Often such photos are taken without the knowledge or consent of the victim.
Physical- well documented. However please note that in Asian communities it is seen as normal to physically beat your children and wife. Fathers teach the elder son to do this to the youngers and do this on his behalf. The reason being that if the elder son is under 18 and convicted, the law is powerless to do anything about it.
Emotional- no end of emotional abuse. Please note that in some cases the abuser may not realise they are doing it.
- Nothing you say or do is good enough for them.
- They don’t even take seconds to criticise you for the slightest flaw of imperfection.
- They constantly bring up the past.
- They act as if they do nothing wrong “I am right- you are wrong” is their attitude to life.
- They love making you feel guilty or ashamed of who you are.
- They are critical, controlling and don’t think of your needs.
- They thrive by making you feel bruised and torn.
- They violate your boundaries and never respect “no.”
- They don’t care about your feelings and love to see you suffer.
- Everything is always about them.
- They may not know they are doing it.
With unfair criticism comes a few things.
Capability. The abuser makes the victim feel incapable of doing things or at least constantly questions the victim’s capability to do anything.
Caring for other people’s families more than their own. When I did my survey in the 1998/9 academic year I found that every student of Asian background who responded to the survey felt their parents cared more for other people’s families more than their own.
Cheapskate Very often the abuser will always do things on the cheap often leading to problems later- “you pay cheap you pay twice.”
Comparing. The abuser always compares the victim to other people and other people are seen as being better than the victim.
Coordination This is very common among people of Indian or Pakistani background. It’s called IST- Indian standard time- to be at least 3 hours later for anything and to be very disorganised. This causes no end of stress for people.
Conflict: The abuser feels that they are always right and everyone else is always wrong.
Credibility: The abuser will always believe a 3rd party over the victim.
Culpability: The abuser always jumps to conclusions and always assumes the victim is wholly to blame for anything that goes wrong.
Neglect- one neglects responsibilities. They may not realise they are doing it.
Sexual- one gets the other to do things they don’t want to. I do security at a swingers club. You will not believe how many men of some backgrounds like to get their girlfriends to go with other men or women for kicks which the girls don’t like doing. I always take the lady to the ladies area to check their membership. It’s a pretence to ask if they are comfortable with this- all too often they say no. I then call in the police and get the lady to safety- it happens about once every few months. Some overlap with online.
That said at least 8/10 people who go to a swingers club do so for a night out without being hassled. Some of the remainder get their rocks off watching other people have sex. Some like being watched having sex- there is a bit of overlap between the two. A small minority exchange partners but don’t go all the way and an extremely tiny minority exchange partners and go all the way- however that is very unusual- maybe once every few months. The majority of those who exchange partners are bisexual women who are married to men but go with other women. Usually hubby is downstairs watching Match of the Day!
Unfaithfulness- which can cause terrible distress. In their defence if you have a toxic partner you can be driven to it. I have personally seen many cases of this.
Unfair divorce In some immigrant communities all a man has to do to divorce his wife is say “I divorce you.
I divorce you.I divorce you.” Now that doesn’t give a legal divorce but it gives a religious divorce. In their communities then that woman is seen as a divorcee and an outcast. The Indian government has outlawed this practice. I tried to get a parliamentary petition on this to no avail. The only recourse for this lady is a Sharia court if it’s an Islamic community. In many cases that lady may be from abroad and not know any different. These courts are very misogynistic and need to be shut down. Several US states have banned them, I fail to see why we haven’t.
Domestic Financial terrorism- it’s where the abuser says to the victim “go on leave me but how will you pay the bills?” The victim has no choice but to go back to the abuser. This is why I encourage all my students to go on youtube for Robert Kiyosaki’s business of the 21st century and get on 3–5 streams of income. I get all my self defence clients on this. It’s great when the abuser realizes he has no financial power anymore.
This extract from Back to the Future II shows Domestic Financial terrorism
Other types of domestic abuse.
Forced arranged marriage. There are several amendments that need to be made to the Forced Marriage Act. One of my best friends refused a forced marriage at the age of 10. In response her uncles and two cousins raped her with the full consent and knowledge of her parents. There is a fine dividing line between arranged marriage and forced marriage. Forced marriage is big business.
Changing the marriageable age Please look at this youtube video called Sajid Javid says ‘child marriage is child abuse’. He has put forward a private members bill to raise the marriageable age from 16 to 18. That’s great. What they do is take a young girl abroad, force her to marry someone. If the husband is in the UK he lives in the family home. If he’s abroad they meet in the school holidays. However, as soon as the girl turns 16 they get married in the UK and since it’s done with parental consent nothing can be done. My own view is that the marriageable age should be 21 for those reasons.
In some cases, young girls are forced to marry someone considerably older. I am aware of a young woman, who I know personally, who at the age of 18 was forced to marry someone in his 50s.Trust me she is very unhappy. However she fears death if she does anything.
The only way around this is to amend Sajid Javid’s bill to include age gaps. If there is an age gap of more than 10 years the younger party must be at least 25 and there must be a registry office ceremony. I can’t get a parliamentary petition on this approved. However, you could get the ball rolling to introduce such legislation. This requires an amendment to the forced marriage act.
Very often in forced marriage people are forced to marry 1st-degree relatives. Some of my family friends were encouraged to marry their 1st cousins, in one case a step-brother and step-sister were introduced. Luckily they ran away. I have set up a parliamentary petition on this https://petition.parliament.uk/petitions/592255 and I will push to get it to 10,000 but I am not hopeful. The public doesn’t care much about it. You on the other hand could make representations to the government on this. We need another amendment to Sajid Javid’s bill.
To prevent forced marriage the parents should have to tell the police when they are taking their children abroad and when they plan to come back and report back to the police on arrival with their children. The reason being that what parents do is take your passport away and won’t give it back unless you marry or undergo FGM. To get married you need a marriage license. To arrange a marriage you should need a similar license requiring the consent of the person involved.
Forced fattening This is very rare but I have only seen one case as a personal trainer. In this case, the parents’ force-fed their daughter to make her very overweight so no white man would find her attractive. She escaped and I got her in shape. Ironically by the time she got to see me, she was an undiagnosed diabetic but she’s now fine and happily married to a man of her choice.
Forced genital mutilation- of younger children.
Female Genital Mutilation is illegal in the UK but sometimes they take a girl abroad to have it done. The only way to stop this is to ensure girls at risk are medically examined before they go abroad and medically examined when they come back. It must be by an independent white English doctor not known to the family for reasons given below. If FGM takes place then the parents are punished.
However many males who are circumcised without their consent feel violated and abused. If you have ever seen the movie East is East you will see one fictional example but it is far from an isolated incident.
Forced language. Some 1st generation immigrants refuse to speak to their kids in English. This renders the kid more vulnerable at school for bullying because their command of English is compromised. In some cases if the kid asks the parents to speak English it results in physical assault. I have been thumped a few times for this!
Forced religion. Some parents force their kids to follow a faith they don’t want. If they refuse then it can result in death in extreme cases.
Forced career. In some communities they put their teenage kids under intolerable pressure to study a university course they don’t want to. If you have ever seen Dead Poets Society you’ll see the case of Neil. His father put him under tremendous pressure to study medicine. In response he killed himself. I have seen 8 such cases.
I will address this later in another posting.
Forced clothing. Some 1st and 2nd generation immigrants force their children and wives to always wear clothes relating to their country of origin. If they refuse to wear a saree, shalwar kameez or niqab or burqa they get beaten up. When I was a medical student I saw one girl have her face slashed with a stanley knife for her refusal to wear a niqab. However this is far from an isolated incident. Very often the parents force their kids to wear clothes of the home country against their will or beating or other forms of abuse will take place.
Forced culinary experiences In some immigrant communities they often force their children to eat food from the home country despite objections. You are given a choice to either eat that food from the home country or starve. You have no choice and this is very common. You will not believe how much bullying you can get off people because of this so you are caught from both sides. This is why you see students of immigrant background at university rushing to the nearest McDonalds or Burger King or fish and chip shop as soon as the parents have gone away.
Forced culture. Some 1st generation immigrants force their culture onto their kids causing terrible distress being caught between two cultures. Again the issue of university students applies. Please look at this fictional video from Dhar Mann now although this video has a happy ending in many cases it does not. it’s either “my way of the highway” and the highway often involves beatings or death. I have written to Dhar Mann to remove this video.
Forced holidays. In immigrant communities, especially Asian communities, when it comes to school holidays the only places the parents take their kids is to their friends in the UK or to the home country. If it’s the home country it’s to groom them for forced marriage and a dowry. There is not much you can do about this. However what I would like to see happen is that if you take an under 21 abroad you have to tell the police when you are going and when you are coming back. There is no point doing this via the school because if you have a faith school where the parents pay private fees they won’t comply and cover it up.
Forced schooling I have seen many cases of this. What happens is that the parents put their kids under huge unrelenting pressure from a very early age to do well academically. Sometimes they get private tutors for the kids at the age of 11. There is a difference between wanting your children to do well at school and putting them under undue pressure. The worst case I know of was of one girl who was forced to undergo extra tuition in sciences and when she didn’t do well her parents would beat her. The parents wanted her to study medicine so they could have a huge dowry and gain honour. Sadly she wasn’t an academic but brilliant at art. To the best of my knowledge they took her abroad and she never came back. I do not know if this girl was murdered or what. However I am confident that this is far from an isolated incident.
This is made a lot worse if the parents choose a faith school where they pay the fees.
Forced sexuality In some communities if the son or daughter is not heterosexual then beatings occur. In some cases honour killings take place. The worst case I know of was when a lady I know knew from the age of 13 she was into girls and not men. On finding out her parents forced her to marry a man 25 years older than her.
He was the most misogynistic person around. He used to beat her all the time and they kept it quiet. Is that why he forced his wife to wear full-body clothing and not expose her arms or legs? This, to my mind, is the real reason for the niqab or burqa- so husbands can beat their wives and get away with it. In this case, the husband only stopped the beatings when I saw him one day trying to beat his wife up as she lay on top of her daughter to protect her from a forced marriage. I threw him across the room and gave him the beating of his life. Sadly she had to go back to him because of financial reasons.
However, a few years later her daughter showed her a video of two Jewish women getting married. She broke down and it all came out.
Also please look at this video blog called My heart cries for these women at Christmas to see the plight of bisexual women.
I have also seen many cases of gay men coming into the swingers club where I work on gay or bisexual men’s night. These men have been forced into marriages against their will. Some come with their supportive wives but often they are cheating without the wife’s knowledge. This causes considerable distress.
Forced smoking (passive) There are cases of parents smoking in the presence of children, even children with asthma. The worst case I ever saw was two parents smoking in front of their daughter who was known to be on two asthma medications. The doctor said it was largely due to parental smoking but the father had no intention of not smoking and said he would only give up if his daughter had a life-threatening episode! This to me is child abuse. If the children object they risk death.
Forced social activities Every 2nd generation immigrant will tell you of this- I daresay that Priti Patel will know of this. You can be having a normal Friday or Saturday as an under 18 at school. However late that evening your parents will tell you that you are going to someone’s house with them for a social occasion and they want you to wear certain items. Despite any plans you may have had if you don’t go it’s a sign of shame and you can be beaten up for it. It means you don’t get to develop your own social network, friends or social skills. I have seen many examples of this, 2nd generation immigrant kids have run away from home over this but given the closeness of communities, it can be difficult to get out.
What you can do
- Share this blog to social media using the icons above.
- Follow me on medium.com
- Like my facebook page James Bond petitions. https://www.facebook.com/James-Bond-petitions-110587050806181 so I can help change the law.
Jacob Rees Mogg, the leader of the House of Commons, has said that the only petitions that will be debated in parliament are petitions on the parliamentary petitions website.
Let me explain how these petitions work. If you get 10,000 signatures the government has to respond. If the response is not good enough they can ask for another one. If that isn’t good enough they can summon that minister in for questioning.
I am very good with parliamentary petitions. 4 of them have got a response from the government and I have secured one debate in parliament. I have also brought about a public consultation on halal and slaughter.
So please go to my facebook page James Bond petitions. https://www.facebook.com/James-Bond-petitions-110587050806181 and like it.
What can society do?
Deal with the issues in this video which summarises my submission to the government.
Who am I?
My name is Bond, Dr. James Bond, I am a health and fitness expert and a Sheffield Star fitness columnist. I have also been featured in the Daily Mail. . I work with people who want to improve their quality of life- particularly those who want to lose weight. What makes my service different is that I am the only personal fitness trainer in the North of England who is a qualified medical doctor. Therefore I can take on the general public and super high risk cases that other fitness professionals will not dare like this lady, the case of Deborah Fox..
- Back to the Future Part II/Best scene/Michael J. Fox/Thomas F. Wilson/Billy Zane/Lea Thompson https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NE-891W_S-w